The life of a Yorkshire widow: Primped, plucked and pampered

After my little mishap with the steps (the cat still won’t come near me) I decided it was time to start getting out and about again. The crutches had gone as had the walker boot and I was reduced to needing only the assistance of a rather fetching floral walking stick loaned to me by the local pharmacy. Whoever had owned it previously had travelled far and wide; there were seventeen badges on it from Cirencester to Singapore. I felt quite humble being assisted by such a well-travelled aid. (I hoped the previous owner hadn’t expired from fatigue.)

With the great outdoors in mind, I was looking forward to a shower, some comfortable walking shoes and a trip to the local park but when I looked in the mirror – admittedly a steamed-up mirror – I gave myself quite a fright. I looked like a three-day corpse, extremely pale and not very interesting. So I did what any self-respecting corpse would do. I booked myself into a spa for a four day stay including, according to the very fancy website, Elemis treatment. I didn’t think my elemis needed treating but then I discovered that Elemis was a luxury skincare brand name. I was quite clearly a novice at this spa lark.

I’d no idea what to pack for a spa visit other than clean underwear, a good book and my trusty tupperware container of fat rascal biscuits which I felt would cover most eventualities. With my trusty travel bag packed, the train and a local taxi found me on the doorstep of a very grand looking building in my favourite Harrogate.

On arrival, and having completed the health and indemnity formalities, a young lady showed me to my suite which, for just a moment, left me entirely speechless. It had a four-poster bed. A gold four-poster bed! The entire suite was colour coordinated in royal blue and gold. I thought I’d died and gone to heaven until the young lady – clearly not a native of Yorkshire – said “A-ya OK pet. D’ya wanna siddown?” At least I think that’s what she said. I indicated that everything was fine and she said “All right. A’ll leave ya to get settled in then shall a?” and she promptly left.

Now I don’t know about you, but the first place I always check out in any new establishment are the “facilities”. Well these facilities were sublime. There was an enormous walk-in hydro-jet shower with a gold tiled seat; a whirlpool bath you could teach a child to swim in (gold taps of course); double wash basins; a huge pile of fluffy towels; and more Asprey toiletries than you’d find in Claridge’s.

My first booked treatment was due in 15 minutes which gave me little time to enjoy my luxurious surroundings let alone study the full colour brochure which spoke of “relaxing to the sound of lapping waves” and listening to “sound healing music”. Quite.

After getting very lost I finally arrived, breathless and red faced, at treatment room number 7 where a very pleasant young lady suggested I go into the changing room, undress and put on the white robe hanging on the door. “Undress?” I asked. “What, all the way?” and she nodded. Having imagined something like a transparent hospital gown, I was relieved to see that the thick white robe was quite voluminous with a tie belt. 

My first treatment was to be a frangipani monoi full body massage. When I asked the young lady what frangipani monoi was, she told me it was a combination of frangipani flowers and coconut oil, producing a soft floral and fruit fragrance designed to take me to tropical places. I didn’t know whether to rub it on or drink it. In the event, the treatment was so relaxing, I felt myself drifting off. It was absolutely wonderful and I realised what I’d been missing all these years.

Over the next three days I was massaged, manicured, detoxed, refreshed, waxed and tinted – and I enjoyed every minute of it. It might have been my first time but I promised myself that it certainly wasn’t going to be the last. 

Ladies, I recommend it. I left feeling and looking like a new woman. Perhaps my next stop should be new clothes for this new woman!