This week member Frances Owen shares her advice on how to cope with grief and loss through reading. Retired from a career in public health, Frances is happy having much more time to read and is a member of two book groups. She teaches creative writing and journaling for wellbeing with community groups and is currently working on her memoir as well as a poetry collection. You can catch her monthly event here at The Joy Club ‘Book club‘ every last Thursday of the month.
Grief comes with loss, whether that’s through death, the end of a relationship, the loss of part of our health or any kind of significant change, for example, moving house or losing a job. Life is a series of losses, and we all face some form of loss over time. A universal experience, it’s acutely painful and complex. Perhaps more than any other, Grief is the Thing with Feathers, Max Porter’s beautiful, short novel and meditation on grief, captures this fleeting and transient experience, accurately examining the complexity of grief, and taking us on a journey of emotions through denial, anger, bargaining, sadness and despair to acceptance.
Through novels, memoir and self-help books, we can understand and recognise these emotions in ourselves, connect with others who’ve experienced loss and learn to express our feelings, finding peace and relief. Reading can be a powerful tool in coping with grief and loss, offering both emotional solace and practical guidance. Here are several ways in which reading can help with these challenging experiences:
Emotional solace and understanding
- Validation of emotions:o Reading about others’ experiences with grief can validate our own feelings, showing that we are not alone in our emotions. Books and memoirs that delve into the grieving process often resonate deeply with readers, providing comfort through shared experiences.
o Example: Joan Didion’s The Year of Magical Thinking is a poignant memoir that chronicles her grief following the sudden death of her husband, offering readers a profound sense of shared understanding.
- Expression and processing of grief:o Literature can help us articulate our emotions. By reading, we may find the words to express feelings we couldn’t otherwise describe, facilitating emotional release and processing.
o Examples: Mary Oliver’s poetry often touches on themes of nature, life, death and the process of healing, making her work a valuable resource for those navigating grief. One such poem is In Blackwater Woods, which explores loss and the necessity of letting go, using nature as a metaphor for the cycles of life and death. Oliver’s gentle and reflective tone provides comfort and a sense of peace, helping readers process their grief in a natural and contemplative way. John O’Donohue, an Irish poet, philosopher and former priest, is also known for his deeply spiritual and reflective poetry.
Practical guidance and coping strategies
- Learning coping mechanisms:o Self-help books and guides on grief offer practical advice on coping strategies. These resources can provide actionable steps to manage the pain and begin the healing process.
o Example: On Grief and Grieving by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler discusses the stages of grief and offers advice on how to navigate through each stage.
- Therapeutic techniques:o Books on grief often include therapeutic exercises such as journaling prompts, mindfulness practices and meditative techniques that can help readers actively engage in their healing process.
o Example: Grief Works: Stories of Life, Death, and Surviving by Julia Samuel combines real-life stories with practical advice and therapeutic exercises to help readers process their grief.
Distraction and escapism
- Temporary relief:o Engaging in fiction or non-fiction can provide a temporary escape from the constant pain of loss, allowing the mind a brief respite. This break can be crucial in maintaining mental health during difficult times.
o Example: Immersive novels like J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter series, or the magical realism of an author like Matt Haig can provide an engaging distraction, offering a temporary escape into a different world.
- Reconnecting with joy:o Reading can also reconnect individuals with positive emotions and memories. Books that remind readers of happier times or that evoke a sense of hope and optimism can be particularly beneficial.
o Examples: The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett is a classic that can evoke feelings of renewal and hope through its themes of healing and rebirth. Or find warmth and humour in A Man Called Ove by Fredrik Backman.
Community and support
- Building connections:o Reading about grief can lead to connections with support groups or online communities where individuals can share their experiences and support one another.
o Example: It’s OK That You’re Not OK by Megan Devine. A psychotherapist, the author offers a compassionate approach to grief that recognises the profound and often misunderstood nature of loss. She includes references to her own online community for grievers, which offers additional resources and a space for shared experiences.
- Inspiration and role models:o Biographies and autobiographies of individuals who have overcome significant losses can inspire readers, showing them that it is possible to find a way through their grief.
o Examples: Option B by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant shares Sandberg’s journey through grief after the sudden death of her husband, offering hope and resilience to others facing similar losses. A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows Through Loss is a book by Jerry Sittser, a professor of theology and author. The book is a memoir that explores Sittser’s experience of grief and loss, as well as his reflections on the nature of suffering and faith.
This is a brief introduction to the ways in which reading can serve us in the grieving process – by providing emotional support, practical advice, temporary relief and a sense of community. By engaging with the written word, whether in fiction, non-fiction or poetry, we can find pathways to understanding and healing from loss and grief.